Just When You Start To Think You’ve Made It To The Top and You Realize There’s a Valley On The Other Side…

Things have been interesting lately. I’ve had some extreme highs and some extreme lows. The last few days have been pretty good though. I even signed up as a LipSense Distributor. I found something I was excited about and thought I’d be able to make it happen. I still feel that way. I’m passionate about the product but this damn fog is over my head again…

I had a phone appointment with my therapist the other day. She asked me how I was. I told her I felt good and thought I’d be ready to go back to work soon, as scary as it was to say that. She said I sounded brighter and different than I have in the past. And now this fog has settled and I just want to lay in bed and do nothing. The show The Bachelor just started and it has always been one of my favorites, like I don’t miss it. Ever. This season I haven’t seen a full episode yet. It doesn’t hold my attention, I just don’t care about it.

I feel like it wasn’t that long ago I was at the top of this mountain, feeling like I’d accomplished something; was ready to take on the work force, do my nursing duties, take care of my family and home like I used to; Now, today, I feel like I’ve hit that valley and I have to crawl back up now. But I’m so tired…crawling up seems impossible.

Romantically I know my husband longs for how things used to be. I on the other hand, just want to be held and sleep on his chest. It’s a sad situation; one I wish I could change. I want to change it, I just don’t have the energy to change it.

I’m antsy all the time. I never know if I should sit, stand, lay down, sleep, clean, read, or whatever. I can’t get my shit together.

I thought I was making progress with my sleep but that was foolish. I’m back to not sleeping well. Im sleeping better than I had been but not well. I just want to sleep and wake up feeling refreshed, ready to face the day. That seems like it may never happen. Ativan, you have failed me. I have tried pillow mist, herbal sleepy time teas, aromatherapy, sound machines, meditation, you name it, I’ve tried it. All to no avail. Have I mentioned I’m tired? My mom mentioned yesterday that I need something for under my eyes because of the huge bags I have. Thanks, mom. Trust me, I can see them.

I wish I could just feel joy. It’s been a long time since I felt joy or peace. I remember, I was at the ocean, sitting in one of those little short beach chairs, just letting the waves rush over me and feeling like everything was right in the world. I tried to sit down at the beach today and read and I didn’t feel that peace. I didn’t feel joy. I felt nothing. The only thing worse than feeling sadness is feeling nothing…

The last time I saw my psychiatrist, I was in a horrible state. I was crying, anxious, passively suicidal. He asked me if I had been taking my meds and I almost lost it on him. I know he has to ask but I took major offense to that question. Yes! Of course I’m taking my medication! I want to feel normal, whatever that is. I want to be happy and productive. I want to go to work and do the job I worked so hard to be licensed to do. Of course I’m taking my medication!!

I’m tired of life, the monotony, the mundane. I feel like everyday, I wake up, go through the motions, don’t enjoy any of it, and just pray for bedtime. I literally think about going to bed all day. It can be 3 in the afternoon and I can’t wait until it’s acceptably late enough to go to bed. That’s not life. I kinda hate my life right now. And then of course I feel guilty to say that because I have a wonderful husband and two awesome boys yet I can’t make myself be happy. I feel like a failure.

I’ve been putting on makeup every single day for the last, I don’t know? Week? And I haven’t worn makeup before that in quite a while. The makeup makes me feel like I’m somewhat put together. Unfortunately, it’s only skin deep. I’m far from put together and today I couldn’t even fake it and put it on. I’m so frustrated. Frustrated with life, frustrated with myself, frustrated with how things are compared to how they used to be.

Bills are piling up. I don’t know how much longer we’ll be able to hold on to our vehicles. Then there’s the guilt I feel because I can’t go to work to help pay the damn bills to keep the vehicles. I’m depressed because I always wanted to keep any money struggles away from the boys and now they are aware of them and often ask, “When we have money again…” Even the kids are getting used to it. Just another damn valley.

Today I was looking through LinkedIn and found my job posted. Work called me a while back and told me they had to post it to try to replace me because I’d been gone so long. It wasn’t a surprise to see my job posted but for some reason it still hurt. I don’t even like my job there. I’d like to work in labor and delivery, post-partum, or a fertility clinic. Where I’m at is not where I want to be but it still hurt. And just like that, another valley.

This road has so many twists and turns, hills and valleys, sometimes I wonder if I’m not struggling with bipolar disorder. I can do well for a while and then go into a deep depression. I really wonder if we’re missing something.

I’m so tired. I’m so tired of always climbing and crawling. Just trying to get to the finish line. I feel like the finish line keeps moving further away from me and everyone is laughing at me while I struggle.

My ECT treatments have moved to bi-weekly. I’m glad because I’ve been having so much trouble with my memory. I had to use the GPS to go to my therapy appointment the other day. I’ve driven that route so many times I should be able to drive it with my eyes closed and I needed my GPS. That makes one more thing for me to be depressed about. I can’t remember how to get places, I can’t remember words, I can’t remember recent events. Sometimes this ECT is a blessing and sometimes it’s a curse. It has helped with my depression but it has caused other problems that contribute to my depression. I just don’t know what’s worse at this point.

Maybe tomorrow I’ll feel different. Maybe tomorrow I’ll feel good. I don’t know. What I do know is today is not a good day and the days have been going downhill for a little while now. I’m on a roller coaster and I want to get off of it. Did I mention I’m tired and want a nap?

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