When Something Doesn’t Feel Right, You Have to Speak Up…

It’s been forever since I’ve blogged. I’ve felt like blogging a couple times but things have been very hectic here. Where do I even begin??

Well, on top of my depression, I have been dealing with these emotional highs and even lower lows. It has seemed like a rollercoaster and I’ve been trying to figure things out.

There have been days where I have felt like I was worthless, a piece of trash, not worth anyone’s time. I’ve felt suicidal, on the verge of another psych admission. On one particular day, I had been extremely emotional and I didn’t know why. I was just extremely depressed and wanted everything to end. I though about ending it with my razor. I thought about ending it by walking in front of the SunRail (a train). I was in bad shape but decided not to seek help that time. Maybe not the best decision looking back. Anyway, I obviously didn’t go through with those thoughts and I’m still here.

There have been days I’ve known there wasn’t enough money in my checking account to buy an item I so desperately wanted but bought it anyway. I recently bought a $300 purse when I knew we didn’t have the money to splurge on it. I’ve been on LuLaRoe shopping sprees galore, knowing full well the money was not there. I’ve cleaned my house top to bottom in a frenzy doing all but using a toothbrush to clean the floors. These cleaning frenzies have lasted all day.

Then I’ve gone the other way. Can’t get out of bed, crying but not knowing why, ruminating over how worthless I am. Thinking about all the past trauma in my life and being pissed beyond belief. Wanting to kill myself and trying to think of the best way (if there is one, p.s. there isn’t) to end it.

One day, it just hit me. “Jess, you may just have bipolar disorder.” That would explain the 20+meds I’ve been on that haven’t worked. They were trying to treat Major Depressive Disorder and that may just not be what I had. I knew I needed to mention it to my psychiatrist because he hadn’t made the connection yet either. I was nervous to mention it to him. Afraid I would be stepping on toes but I knew I needed to advocate for myself. For any of you out there, not getting better, feeling like you’re not getting the right treatment, do not be afraid to be your own advocate. Sometimes you have to in order to get healthy! SPEAK UP IF SOMETHING DOESNT FEEL RIGHT!

Anyway, the next time I saw my doctor, I told him I didn’t want to tell him how to do his job but I had been having these extreme highs and lows and felt I may be bipolar. We went through all my symptoms and he too thought it was a total possibility. He put me on a medication for bipolar disorder and now we wait…

I have had fewer mood swings although not gone completely. I’ve had more energy and have spent fewer days in bed and less time isolated. Things are starting to get better as far as me being more level and less up and down. And then I found out my miracle medication is too expensive for me to afford. Like, even if I was working and making $3000 a month, I wouldn’t be able to afford it. It’s insane how expensive it is. So, now it’s on to determining what other medication I can be put on to hopefully provide the same results…

This rollercoaster seems never ending…So, onto the next adventure in keeping myself level…

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