Today my goal was to go for a walk down to the beach. We live on a lake and the beach is spectacular. Like absolutely beautiful. Too bad I couldn’t convince myself to go there instead of bed.
After a 3 hour nap, I ended up in the midst of a panic attack. It all started when I went into my LuLa room and things had been moved making it harder for me to do my “work.” I immediately got overwhelmed. “How do I get to the outlets now?” “Where can I plug in my scale?” I was seriously freaking out over something minimal. Welcome to my life.
I started “freaking out” saying things like, “I’m a burden. You’re all getting tired of me. Of having to pick up my slack.” I was sobbing, big, fat, ugly tears over some things being moved and some desperately needed printer paper. None of it even makes sense going back over it now. That’s the thing with panic attacks, they don’t always make sense. They’re an irrational response to some stimuli. In my case my work space being changed and some printer paper. Once again, welcome to my life.
Some days it is too much to bear, this depression and anxiety weighing me down. I feel like I’m drowning while everyone else around me is breathing just fine, looking at me like, “What’s wrong with you?!” Some days this depression is so overwhelming it is a challenge to get through the day. So, I sleep. Or I cry. Hell, on a good day maybe I’ll do both. Sense the sarcasm?
Today I’m a mixture between not wanting to live anymore and this need to not disappoint my boys. I’ve always wanted to show them that mom may not be the best mom, she may struggle, and may not always make sense but goddammit she doesn’t give up. That strength is diminishing. My soul is tired. And all the sleep in the world can’t fix that.
So, where do I go from here? I struggle through another so-so night of sleep and pray tomorrow is a better day. See, we depressed individuals are not so much different from an addict. We too have to take it one day at a time. Today was difficult. I’m not going to lie. Those “dark thoughts” for those of you who don’t like the “S word” are strong today but those boys in the living room will give me the will to pull through.
So, if you’re struggling like I am…find that motivation, that one thing that will make you fight through it. If you can’t fight through it, don’t be ashamed to get help.