Today my husband went to a parent-teacher conference for my oldest son. He’s 10 and smart as a whip. His teachers had nothing but good things to say about him as far as grades, leadership, citizenship, etc. They even said they believed he would have no trouble getting into the pre-engineering prep school he applied to and get this, he would most likely be put on the advanced track! Their main and only concern was he seemed to be very anxious and worried.
My husband told them (I keep saying my husband because I was too anxious and didn’t have the energy to attend my own sons conference; This is the first one I’ve ever missed) I suffer from depression and anxiety and due to that, I’m off work. He explained I’ve been struggling a lot and maybe that was part of my son’s anxiety. His teachers are great, said they understood, and would be more mindful and patient with him. Like I said, his teachers are amazing 🙌
When my husband came home to tell me and discuss with my son, how the conference went, the only answer my son could give for his anxiety was “stuff at home.” I asked him what specifically at home was he worried about. He looked at me straight in the eye and said, “You.” My heart shattered into a million pieces.
I knew he had figured out I’d been struggling because he was talking to me the other day about a YouTuber who suffers from depression and he said, “That’s what you’re going through, right?” My heart broke into a million pieces that time too. I said, “Yes, I am going through a depressive state but I’m trying my best to get better.”
I see so much of my oldest in me. The anxiety, the emotional side, the sensitive side, and the ability to read people really well. He read me like a book. I told him
I was working very hard to fight through this so I can be the kind of mom I was before. I am by no means a perfect mom. I have my faults for sure but I love my kids like no one else and would move mountains for them. Unfortunately, I can’t seem to move my own ass out of bed.
I do okay some days and other days I struggle to get up to use the restroom and it’s literally like 5 steps from my bed. Today has been a struggle. Especially since hearing my son’s internal struggle with my depression. I hate I’m affecting him negatively and I would do anything to turn back the clock and hit restart, if I could. At this point all I can do is keep pushing forward. Keep going to my appointments. Keep trying…