Today I woke up thinking, “Well, yesterday you did one thing. Maybe today you can push yourself just a little bit further.” I asked my husband about going out for the day. We discussed a couple things but when it came time to make a decision, I couldn’t do it.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I really did want to get out of the house and push myself. I guess I was just hoping someone else would make the final decision as to where we went. My sons didn’t want to go anywhere we talked about going (per usual). Then there was the pressure of me having to make the ultimate decision.
I was thinking if I really did what I wanted, somebody else would be upset. I really wanted to do something everyone would enjoy. That’s me, the one who always tries to make everyone else happy. The whole thing turned into whining, bickering, and chaos. I was about at my limit.
I was on the verge of tears because my good intentions and me trying to push myself beyond my comfort zone was turning into a disaster. I ended up saying forget it and going to my room. Once again, I’d failed.
I know my husband wanted me to make the decision because my motivation comes and goes so quickly, he wanted me to do something he knew I’d enjoy. I made the big decision to even leave the house. I was done with decision making for the day. I needed somebody else to make the call on where.
So, my husband comes in the room and says he’s driving my mom to Daytona. My first thought is, “Are you taking the kids?!” I know that sounds terrible but hear me out. I’m already overwhelmed, stressed to the max, and now I’m expected to take care of the boys! I can’t even take care of myself 99% of the time (seriously, I don’t eat unless someone else makes it, except maybe a sandwich. I can handle that,)and now while I’m sitting here a complete wreck, I have to take care of my two boys. If I was my “normal self” that would be no problem but I’m far from my “normal self” at the moment. I have checked on them periodically to make sure they’re alive and have all their appendages but overall I’m completely unengaged.
So here I am in full makeup, which is slammin’ if I do say so myself, laying in a dark room, feeling like a failure. I tried and couldn’t follow through. I hate anxiety. It rules my life and controls every decision I make. Today it ultimately ruled and I ran in the opposite direction. I hate myself for not being able to just pull my shit together and do it. I hate that my kids are off doing their own thing and I’m hiding.
Maybe tomorrow will be better. Maybe I’ll take a walk down to the beach. I don’t know what tomorrow will hold but I know I am going to have to fight through this damn depression and anxiety once again. Hopefully I will push through it. If not, there’s always the next day. And the next, and the next…