“Do Just one thing”

Today is rough. Energy is at an all time low. I feel I could sleep for ages. My mind won’t shut down. I’m fidgety and look like hell. I went and got my hair done yesterday thinking maybe that would brighten my spirits. It did and then I woke up today feeling the depression crushing me like a boulder on my chest. I need to breathe without feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders.

I don’t have an active role in my life, my children’s life, my husbands life…I’m barely existing. My husband has taken over all homework help with the kids, my mom does all the cooking, cleaning, etc. I just exist. Or do I?

I’ve begun having those dark thoughts again. “Maybe I’m causing more trouble by being here.” “How much longer must I feel this low before things change?” I’m trying to hold on but this is just becoming too much.

I’d like to just escape for a while and forget about EVERYTHING. I feel like I’m sliding backward instead of propelling forward like I should be.

Am I oversharing? I feel like I’m oversharing. I’ve been longing for someone to just cuddle me and tell me “we’ll get through this.” I laid down with my son in his bed last night and just cuddled him. He couldn’t tell me the things I needed to hear but he let me lay with him which was the next best thing.

What is wrong with me? Why can’t I break free of this beast? I feel scared, depressed, anxious, and altogether I just feel like shit.

I thought for a while I was getting better and now I just don’t know…I’m beginning to wonder if this is just my destiny. To be miserable and tired.

Today my day has consisted of going to group therapy and then coming home and laying in bed for hours. My bed is the only place I feel secure. I know I need to push myself harder but I just don’t have energy to push any further.

My therapist told me today, “Just try to do one thing, just one thing each day. After you’ve done that one thing, go back to bed if you need to. The main point is to make small goals and then if you need to recoup, do that.” Today I went to therapy. That was my goal today. I almost didn’t go because I was feeling so terrible. I’m not sure what tomorrow’s goal is yet.

I’ve been thinking about these goals and I can’t help but think, “Isn’t surviving the day a goal? Isn’t that enough?” I know it’s not but it’s so hard to push further when hanging on every day is so challenging all on its own.

Maybe tomorrow I’ll shower and do my new hair. Baby steps…baby steps…


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