The Search For Normalcy

When I started this blog, it was meant to be a way for me to communicate what I’m feeling, share my story, and let others know they aren’t alone. Sometimes the things I write about are inspirational and full of hope. Other times, I blog about the struggles I’m facing. Today it’s about my struggle. My struggle to obtain and maintain normalcy.

I just started a new job on a medical unit. I was so excited for the opportunity to practice nursing again. And then things started to take a turn, a turn I wish I wasn’t taking.

Things are getting bad again. I’m not taking care of myself as well as I had been, my teeth aren’t brushed as often as they should be, I’m wearing the same clothes for two days or more, I barely brush my hair, I only shower every few days…Like, things are getting bad and I didn’t even notice until I was here.

I have missed my last four shifts at work. I don’t have the energy, motivation, or ambition to get up and go. The idea of taking care of other people seems impossible when I have to put so much of myself into showering before work. How can I help others if I’m not helping myself?

It makes me so sad. Sad to know that just a short time ago I was optimistic, energetic, and ready to take on the working world again. Now I just lay in my bed and ignore the laundry or housework. I lay in bed when I should be working.

I wish I could be that person, that normal person who gets up and goes to work each day. I wish I was that person with a clean house and home cooked meals.

I can’t concentrate. The last day I worked I could barely keep my thoughts straight on what I needed to do. I felt like a baby nurse who is on the floor for the first time. I felt so unsure of myself. So self conscious. So not confident. Now every day I think about work I’m afraid to go, afraid I’ll feel that way this time. That someone will realize I’m a fraud. Someone will realize I don’t have it all together; far from it to say the least.

That’s what bipolar does to you. It makes you feel full of hope one minute and so low the next. It makes you feel like the littlest things are big, huge things. Bipolar makes you feel like you’re incapable of everything.

I’m going to see my psychiatrist and try to push through all these feelings and self doubt. I’m not one to give up so I will keep pushing. Hopefully I’ll come out on the other side feeling better and ready to take on the world.

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