The Separation

I’ve always wanted to be a nurse. Even as a child it was the one career I always dreamed of. That’s why the separation is so difficult…

I’ve been out of work for 6 months. Six long months not doing what I love. Unfortunately, my medical leave only lasts six months, so here I am talking with Human Resources about my options. Basically, I don’t have any.

I have been let go or should I say my place of employment has “gone forward with a separation of employment” because I have yet to be released to go back to work (with good reason; Saturday night I had two panic attacks, each lasting a good 30 minutes. Obviously, I’m not ready to have other people’s lives in my hands). This is something I was expecting but it hurts nonetheless. I just didn’t know it would hurt this much…I’ve been in tears, sobbing uncontrollably ever since I got the news.

I love being a nurse. I get to help people every day and make them feel good, cared for, and nurtured. Obviously, they may be able to take my job but not my license to practice, so I know someday when I am mentally healthy, I may be able to begin my career again. The reality that I cannot practice hurts so much but in the end, I have to take care of my mental health first.

Maybe I’ll get back in tip-top shape and be able to practice again someday and maybe I won’t. The unknown is scary but if I’ve learned anything throughout my years of mental illness, it’s this: my mental health has to come first. Always. As much as I want to practice again, my mental health has to be in the forefront of my mind. All decisions have to be made with my health being thought of first.

I hope someday I am ready to go back. I’d give my right hand to be able to be healthy enough to go back to work, practice nursing, and do what I love. For now, it’s just not in the cards.

So for now, I will focus on my mental health. Focus on myself. And hopefully get closer to being able to practice again. Until then…


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