Time For an Update

Hey. Long time no see…It’s been quite a while since I’ve written. My depression has had me so low at times, sitting on my bed blogging was too much to undertake. So, what’s been going on with me? Am I feeling any better, you ask? Well, a lot has happened since my last blog so sit down with a comfy blanket, an iced tea, and I’ll fill you in.

I can’t even remember the last time I blogged, so bear with me if there is some repetition. ECT does that to you. Makes you lose your memory. And I am no exception. I’ve been struggling trying to remember the simplest things; how to get to my sons school, how to get to the doctor, forgetting my doctors name, or even worse forgetting I have a doctor. I needed to see the doctor for something and I mentioned to my husband, my sweet, tolerant, and incredibly patient husband I needed to find a doctor. He quickly reminded me I already had a primary care physician. I did not remember that at all! What was worse was I had already seen this doctor for something! It is very unsettling to have such gaps in memory. It’s like living your life with your eyes closed.

On top of the memory issues my mood swings have been severe. I can go from being happy, energetic, and ready to take on the world to tired, damn near lethargic, irritable, and downright mean I’m a matter of a day. I spoke with my psychiatrist about my mood swings and was after some time diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder with Mixed Episodes. I’m sure you’ve heard of bipolar but you may not understand the mixed episodes part. So, with bipolar you have your highs and lows but you go slowly (for the most part) from a high to a low. With mixed episodes you cycle rapidly from one episode to the next. I can go from a manic episode to a depressive episode in the matter of 24 hours. My moods are very unpredictable. This has made it very difficult to get my medication regulated and for me to go back to work. At this point, I can’t even see myself in a work setting; being responsible for someone’s health or life. I have a hard time being responsible for showering on a daily basis. The responsibility of Someone’s life seems like a heavy cross to bear and one I’m not ready to take on.

People keep telling me I need to look at things from a more optimistic or positive standpoint and I can take on the work world again. I’m trying my best but it’s hard to be optimistic when you feel down in the dumps. I have to be realistic and remember the job I have requires a lot of knowledge, precision, and concentration. Right now concentration and memory are not my strong suit. While I understand what people are saying in regard to optimism, I have to be real with myself and realize nursing might not be a possibility for me anymore. With a little more time maybe I’ll know what I need to do.

Currently I’m feeling pretty good actually. I’m not sure if I’m in a manic phase or just on a level keel. I say I’m not sure because I don’t know what it feels like anymore to have energy unless I’m going into mania, in which case I’ll clean and go shopping like a mad woman. Level isn’t something I’ve felt in quite a while. I’ve been able to cook some dinners, clean the kitchen, and even do some laundry. For me, this is huge and hopefully a step in the direction of recovery.

So, that’s where things stand right now. Try not to stay away so long next time.


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