Time for an Update

It has been some time since I’ve written. I’ve been so busy with ECT, group therapy, individual therapy, psychiatry appointments, etc that finding time for my blog has kind of fallen by the way side. To be completely honest, my memory has been so badly affected by ECT that I forgot I had a started a blog. Crazy I know, but 100% true.

So, what’s up with me you ask? Well, a lot actually. On top of the appointments and such, I’ve had a lot going on personally. I recently lost a friend to what we believe is suicide. She was a member of my therapy group and was trying a therapy called Transcranial Stimulation. This therapy was supposed to help her with her depression. Unfortunately, she has wasn’t feeling any relief from the therapy. I personally think anted her to try ECT like I was but she didn’t get around to that before she passed. Like I said, we suspect because she was so depressed her death was due to suicide.

Her death, if it was in fact by suicide, saddens me to the core. It saddens me to know there were options out there for her and she was never given the chance. There are a lot of “what if’s?” going through my mind. Maybe if I had talked to her about ECT she’d still be here but I know that’s a lot to put on myself.

In addition to that, the hospital called me and let me know they were posting my position because they needed to fill it. Unfortunately, my medical leave is a NON-FMLA leave so there is no protection for my position. That has me a bit scared because there is some uncertaintly as to where I will end up now. If I am able to go back to work before they have filled my position, then I can have my position back. The problem is, I have been on leave for three months and my therapist wants me to take at least another month. She doesn’t feel I’m ready and to tell you the truth, I don’t feel I’m ready either.

I am still dealing with a lot of anxiety from day to day, I’m not sleeping well, and although the depression has improved immensely, it is still definitely there. I have very little energy, I’m always tired, and my memory is failing me daily.

ECT has caused my memory to fail me in many ways. I have had trouble remembering people (sorry if I don’t seem to remember you in passing. ECT does that to you and although I try my best to remember, my memory has been failing me more than I’d like). I’ve had a rough road with remembering words, remembering appointments, things I’ve done, people I’ve met, etc. I am hoping my memory comes back and I’m able to work, but the way my memory is right now, it is impossible for me to work and do it safely. This saddens me more than I can explain. Sometimes I start to wonder if I will ever be able to go back to work, at least in the same capacity; in an acute care setting.

I’m hoping that over time, my memory will come back, I’ll be able to recognize people, remember things and information I once knew, and will be able to go back to work and do what I love to do. Until then, I will continue to work on my recovery.






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