You deserve the love you so freely give to others…

“You deserve the love you so freely give to others”…I saw this quote today and it hit me really hard, like a boulder fell on my chest. I realized I love really hard when it comes to others but not myself. To tell you the truth, I don’t really like myself and can’t actually remember a time I did.

When I was younger, I was abused mentally, emotionally, and physically. Although the physical abuse was rough I think the emotional abuse has had the most impact on my life to date. How can you feel loved when someone who is supposed to love you inflicts emotional and physical pain?

I remember a day when I was maybe 8 or 9 and my step-Dad at the time called me over to him and said, “Why can you talk to your therapist but not me? I’m your “dad.” In that moment, you know what I felt? Guilt. Guilt for making him feel bad. Seriously?! This man humiliated me, beat me, and terrorized me and I feel guilty for hurting his so called “feelings.” That’s what emotional manipulation does to a person. It makes you feel like the bad one.

I tell myself I know now I’m not bad or unlovable but I’d be lying if I said I believed it. I guess it’s like one of those mantras you say over and over again until you believe it.

I am a lover. I try to always please everyone else, support everyone else, love everyone else, yet I can’t love myself. Maybe someday this past trauma won’t run my life and I can really believe I deserve the love I so freely give others…

XOXO

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