A Monster Named Anxiety

My babies are no longer babies. They’re 8 years old and 10 years old. I still worry about them all the time. I worry if I don’t prepare them for everything they won’t feel prepared and will in turn feel anxious like I do. I remind them repeatedly every day about one thing or another. Sometimes I wonder if I’m doing more harm than good because I am starting to see some of the same traits in my oldest son that I see in myself. He gets anxious around a lot of people and will literally hide at times. Then of course, that makes me feel worse about myself, worrying that I’m hurting my children when all I want to do is protect them. I have the best of intentions, I swear.

Just today my oldest son came home sick and my husband went to go pick him up. I told him to please make sure the office calls our youngest son so he doesn’t get freaked out when he’s not on the bus. That’s just the way I am. I try to make sure I’m prepared and so is everyone else at all times. My mind never stops going because I’m always trying to be ready for “the next thing” (whatever that may be), whether it’s a made up scenario in my head or a true possibility.

I still worry everyday about my boys getting hurt at school during gym, at recess, when lining up to get on the bus. When we still lived in Michigan, I wouldn’t let the kids wear scarves to school because I was afraid they’d inadvertently hang themselves on the playground equipment. My mind jumps to the worst possible scenario in 0.2 seconds. Every time I get in a car I worry I will die in a car accident. My husband has a difficult time driving with me in the car because if he brakes too hard, follows too close, doesn’t start braking as early as I think he should, I start to panic. My heart races, my palms get sweaty, and I see our impending death in my mind.

I know, this sounds insanely overboard but this is my everyday life. My anxiety is a monster I cannot get away from. I wish I had a secret weapon to fight the anxiety but outside of Klonopin, I’ve got nothing. I try the deep breathing, the guided imagery, etc and I can’t focus on it. I keep going back to the “horrible thing” about to happen.

I’m hoping I will eventually be able to fight this monster called anxiety but until then, I will live with it the best I can and take it day by day.

XOXO

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