So, after my month long stay between 3 psych hospitals, the decision had been made that I would stay home with the kids. I wasn’t going to work anymore. I needed time to be with my babies and to focus on my mental health. I didn’t feel ready to take on the working world quite yet.
See, even after being discharged from the hospital I still had lots of appointments. I went to an Intensive Outpatient Therapy (IOP) Group a few days a week, saw a therapist for 1 on 1 therapy, and saw a psychiatrist. Between being a wife, mother, and mentally ill, I had a full plate.
I remember it like it was yesterday, during group therapy the group leader asking about my story. I told the group my story; I told them how I felt so much pressure to be perfect, to do things just right, to be a great mom, a great wife, and keep up a house, and be an amazing employee. The therapy leader said, “Look at your chest.” So I did. He said, “Do you see an “S” on your chest? You’re not Superwoman and you don’t need to be.” I started crying right then because I knew he was right. That has always stuck with me.
I still strive for perfection. It’s just in my blood. I don’t know any other way to be. I have tried throughout the years to let that go and to an extent I have but I am still very hard on myself. Every time I don’t live up to someone else’s or my own expectations I feel like a little bit more of a failure. I hear all the time, “You’re way too hard on yourself.” I try so hard every day to remember I’m not Superwoman and I can only do just so much but what can I say? I’m a work in progress…