After my last post, being able to purge all the nastiness that was my step-father at the time, I’ve felt a little lighter. I think it helps to let things go simply because they are too heavy to carry.
I read a book once during one of my many depressive episodes titled “God, If You’re Not Up There, I’m F*cked” by Darrell Hammond, the SNL Star. It’s a good read and helped me learn to forgive even when someone is not worthy of the forgiveness. Believe it or not, I have forgiven this vile man. Not because he deserves forgiveness but because I deserve peace. I’ll never forget but I’ll forgive if it’ll help me heal. And it has, to an extent.
There are many more atrocities he put me and my siblings through. Many I am too ashamed to even write here. I do remember very vividly a sand bucket (you know, one of those you’d use at the beach?). When you are in constant fear, you do anything you can to avoid what scares you. That’s where the sand bucket comes into play but nobody wants to hear that story. Trust me.
Anyway, I feel deep down this man is the cause of much of my anxiety and depression. I remember feeling depressed and anxious at a very young age and it’s never left me. How do you feel comfortable when you’re constantly awaiting the next berating or beating?
Even as a teenager I felt suicidal many times. I drove on the wrong side of the road once in my mom’s minivan just hoping for a wreck so I’d die but I couldn’t bear the thought of taking someone else’s life while trying to take my own. I thought about going head on with a tree. The list goes on and on…I don’t know what made me stay around. Apparently I didn’t want to die bad enough.
Fast forward to my 24th year, I’m married, own my own home, and have a beautiful son. I couldn’t be happier! Things are looking up and I have the world at my fingertips. Two more years and another beautiful son! Could life get any better?! But life always sends me curveballs and I was about to sent a major one…